@karanbirtinna

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

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@kwirkyKerri

All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed…I don’t have ugly children.

@Lhlodder

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

@drankturpentine

ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome?

KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*

@capnwatsisname

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

@spookperson

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

@Jarhead44

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

@50FirstTates

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

@colesprouse

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

@phalguy

You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?