I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

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My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home


If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.


I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.


People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.


Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself


An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.



GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.


I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.