@karanbirtinna

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

@TheClifBob

Doors
– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people

@MariyaAlexander

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

@mikealfredcaine

my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying “jeff is dead” so they know what the flowers are for

@AlanHungover

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…

@GoddessTitty

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

@jake_lach

I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: What’s your phone number?

*looks up from phone*

Me: I don’t have a phone.

*looks down at phone*

Coworker….

@tsm560

I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.