I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

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My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place


– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people


My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff


my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying “jeff is dead” so they know what the flowers are for


Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…



Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything


I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying


Coworker: What’s your phone number?

*looks up from phone*

Me: I don’t have a phone.

*looks down at phone*



I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.