@TomSchally

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

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@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

@SteveSuckington

Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?

@FeelingEuphoric

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

@heapsOhate

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

@DirtMcTurd

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

@Robert_Beau

I didn’t Survive Cooties to be Taken Out by a Goddam Virus.

@SortaBad

John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between

@TyWebb1980

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*