I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I didn’t Survive Cooties to be Taken Out by a Goddam Virus.
John: Hey Jude…
Paul: Don’t make it bad
George: Take a sad song…
Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*