I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
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what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS