I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.