I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples