I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
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me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows