@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

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@UrbanDouchebag

I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.

@VelouriaDaze

*walks into lift*
Guy: going down?
Me: I’ll need a first date for that.

*silence*

*doors open*

Dammit Twitter!

@SexyInsomniac

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

@carbsley

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

@slimmy_shady

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

@stephenjmolloy

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

@meatballwizard

If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@mackswift

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.