@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

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@nv7281

If “The Breakfast Club” were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.

@flashember

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

@Kohuneh

you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you’ve only eaten 3 then 25 arrive at once

@hellolanemoore

yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time

@3sunzzz

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

@SaraMansford

The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

@TweetPotato314

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer