@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

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@GingerAtLaw

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

@mommajessiec

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

@BoomBoomBetty

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

@Bob_Janke

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?

10: Why?

Me: Why do you think?

10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?

@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.

@ashleyaustrew

If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.