I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

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I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.


*walks into lift*
Guy: going down?
Me: I’ll need a first date for that.


*doors open*

Dammit Twitter!


If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.


[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again


She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.


[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”


If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.


*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.


Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.