You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?
Me: Why do you think?
10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?
When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.
If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl