I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

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Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.


[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.


Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.


For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.


Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are


Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?


Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick


After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble