@SamuelHLowe

I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

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@Trisarahjtops

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

@MatCro

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

@JohnLyonTweets

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

@BBQJones28

For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.

@envydatropic

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

@iamdevloper

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

@KevinFarzad

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

@NightTraumaDoc

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

@T_Bonezzz_

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

@41Strange

After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble