My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Wife: Where are the kids?
Me *turns off router*
[from down the hallway]
Me: They’re in their rooms.
‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.
Relationship status: binoculars
When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.