I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

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Me: Wow, 5k followers
Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said?
Me: Ya
Wife: Then aren’t they really MY followers?
Me: *drinks heavily


I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.


Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*


Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.


genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you


I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.


God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.


“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos


A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.