My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
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Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
can’t wait til they legalize outside
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*