@juliussharpe

I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.

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@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

@Fred_Delicious

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

@LizerReal

me to my husband: i love you for who you are on the inside…spare organs

@imence2

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

@greenteam15

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

@protolalia

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

@ItsMeHelenMary

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet

@Tharin_P

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.