hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
sistine chapel
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!