I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.

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Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.


Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then


How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists


me to my husband: i love you for who you are on the inside…spare organs


9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.


My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history


I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.


Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.


My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet


You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.