Put my back out twerking in the library again
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I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.