I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Oceanography is all about current events
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.