@karanbirtinna

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

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@PaperWash

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

@NYorNothing

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

@PopSlapFunk

Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.

Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.

Lucy pulls off heist.

Lucy in disguise with diamonds.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@Sassafrantz

Doctor: where does it hurt?
Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]

@AngelaEhh

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

@panmidwest

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

@ilovepie84

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.