I don’t understand bow ties. What, is your neck a gift?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.
Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.
Lucy pulls off heist.
Lucy in disguise with diamonds.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
Doctor: where does it hurt?
Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
ME: what language is this
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.