I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
i wish i could marry a nap
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*