interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”
MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”