@karanbirtinna

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

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@CAshmanActor

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

@BuckyIsotope

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

@Elizasoul80

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

@NicestHippo

“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite

BATMAN: Bats

MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction

@Thereeveryday

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

@TheRolo

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

@storming01

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

@GreenishDuck

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

@GianDoh

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”