I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.