[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
what could possibly go wrong?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Hit me in the face with a bird
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.