I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
black phone good
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
The devil.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow