I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?