I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

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*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!


Sorry I started singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the accountability meeting, but you said “easy come, easy go” so I just ran with it..


Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.


Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.


Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler


gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind


INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no


*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*