*hits a joint and talks with smoke in lungs*
Hey man, what if, like they infused a banana with marijuana and made a cannabananaoid?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
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Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes