@good_one_rick

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

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@Mr_Kapowski

*hits a joint and talks with smoke in lungs*

Hey man, what if, like they infused a banana with marijuana and made a cannabananaoid?

@kwirkyKerri

Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

@iamburtjarvis

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

@BlindChow

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

@internetluke

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

@ThatScoop

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes