@good_one_rick

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

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@eddiesteadyno

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

@climaxximus

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

@nickmullen

i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad

@putyoursisterd1

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

@mikeleffingwell

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

@SemraDurmisevic

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u