@good_one_rick

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

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@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@Sal0630

Sorry I started singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the accountability meeting, but you said “easy come, easy go” so I just ran with it..

@JimSterling

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

@ThingsDrakeDo

Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.

@Fred_Delicious

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

@dog_feelings

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

@punmagnate

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

@sixfootcandy

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*