Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.