@sixfootcandy

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

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@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@RunOldMan

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

@PaulyMosh

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@KrangTNelson

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

@DurtMcHurtt

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

@lisaxy424

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

@DuckhouseMedia

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

@Fred_Delicious

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”