I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
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“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”