I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
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ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
British people be like I’m Bri ish
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.