You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Breaking news:
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals