I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.