I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?


Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.



COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?


Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.


Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.


I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.


Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?



Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.


Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos