I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
You Might Also Like
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Ken is short for chicken
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?