I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
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Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth