I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.