@oldmanweldon

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

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@ddsmidt

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

@Tmoney68

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

@OllyiConic

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

@lildandeli0n

I’m pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.

@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

@Just_Lee_

Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We’re all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.

@chuuew

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

@david8hughes

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

@ObscureGent

Is it weird to think about naming my next cat Batman during sex?

Sir, I just serve coffee here. But no, it’s not weird. It’s fantastic!