Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
HITMAN: an accident
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
HITMAN: that was a joke
I’m pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We’re all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Is it weird to think about naming my next cat Batman during sex?
Sir, I just serve coffee here. But no, it’s not weird. It’s fantastic!