I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
This could be us… but you playing
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
new career option?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.