I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself