I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”


How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good


If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!


A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out


me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go


The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.