@mack44_d

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

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@FadeAway2

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

@abbycohenwl

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

@BubblesnBooze

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

@Daveastated

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

@Steelers1972

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

@RunOldMan

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

@actualhuman01

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

@OrdinaryAlso

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

@Parkerlawyer

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

@Jacob_Swift16

Therapy

Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant
Me: WHOA