I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
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Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Who’s drunk
*raises leg