I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
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On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*