*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
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Are you guys sure common sense can’t be beaten into people ? Because I’d like to give it try!
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything