I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
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*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
What kind of a cult is this?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
so this horse walks into a bar
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.