When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
You Might Also Like
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“911, what’s your emerg-”
“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”
“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”
Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.
That’s never happened before.
CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years
me: hopefully in your chair
[5 years later]
me: *in the CEO’s chair*
CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.