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@sixfootcandy

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

@JuiceboxCA

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

@KeetPotato

“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
“no he..”
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back

@HomeWithPeanut

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

@NicCageMatch

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

@TragicAllyHere

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

@Sickayduh

“911, what’s your emerg-”

“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”

“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”

“TAMPI EVERYWHERE”

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.

That’s never happened before.

@coryrichardson_

CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years

me: hopefully in your chair

[5 years later]

me: *in the CEO’s chair*

CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair