They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
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going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Weirdly Wednesday.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.