I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance