@OfficeofSteve

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

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@trojansauce

[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
[cut to]
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
[cut back]
ME: affair

@nyquills

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

@fro_vo

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@simoncholland

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

@kirbys4losers

I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.

@HairyJew4Life

Me: What’s one thing you don’t like about your girlfriend?

Him: She doesn’t swallow.

Me: What? How does she eat?

@MacAnnabella

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

@timmartinwhy

WHAT I ORDER: French toast

WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die

@Shen_the_Bird

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying