I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
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My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.