I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Spell check is for lasers.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.