inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Made something I’m not proud of
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.