I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

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Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son


Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?


[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit


3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.


Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?


Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.


My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.

When I’m having sex with him.


I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.


[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*



Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.


A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.