@Anniewritess
@joejwest
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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@joejwest
@BigJDubz
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
@VaguelyFunnyDan
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
@dadthatwrites
I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.
@kwirkyKerri
The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.
@colsonwhitehead
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
@TheDeducers
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
@TuSoonShakur
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
@BigBagOfScum
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
@Underchilde
I just want someone to like me.
Not you. I meant someone pretty.