@Anniewritess

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

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@joejwest

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

@BigJDubz

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

@dadthatwrites

I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@colsonwhitehead

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@BigBagOfScum

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

@Underchilde

I just want someone to like me.

Not you. I meant someone pretty.