I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
fourth time’s the charm
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.