I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
A man of commitment.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.