I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken