@andylassner

“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”

-Critics

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@dave_cactus

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

@SortaBad

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

@badbanana

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

@slimmy_shady

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

@aimlessamers

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@Steelers1972

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

@GrumpyBahr

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

@Elizasoul80

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”