“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”


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Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”


lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*


“Do not iron”

Like that was ever going to happen…


6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?


I would totally get into a stranger’s windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.


Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.


Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.


Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus


If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.