sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.