I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?



Dear iPhone,

I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”

I hate you


Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret


My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”


guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh


me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests

cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers


My son is having a difficult time understanding the book he is reading because it uses antiquated terms like Walkman and cassette tape.