INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”
I hate you
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests
cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers
My son is having a difficult time understanding the book he is reading because it uses antiquated terms like Walkman and cassette tape.