I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
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That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I can’t be the only one 😂
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.