I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
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*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
love it when they get my name right
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life