I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
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I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known