@Crunch11b

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

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@UncleDuke1969

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

@JaneBadall

If I was an alcoholic, I’d stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I’m the only person in my house who knows it exists.

@jonnysun

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

@seamusmckracken

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

@longwall26

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

@bourgeoisalien

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

@IamJackBoot

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

@TheAndrewNadeau

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

@qwertying

A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns