Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
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If I was an alcoholic, I’d stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I’m the only person in my house who knows it exists.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
oh its a thesaurus
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns