Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
You Might Also Like
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
This tweet has been deleted
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.