I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey

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How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.


*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.


When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.


Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.


Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.



My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store


Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.


[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal


Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers


Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list