I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey

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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.


20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.


“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.


What you read about me in the newspaper today is true: I am selling my couch.


My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.