@ThaJawn

I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey

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@serialmatrix

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

@thenatewolf

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.

@Laser_Cat

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

@lawyerthoughts

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

@McGrumpenstein

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

@FatherWithTwins

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

@lmegordon

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

@Ygrene

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

@cravin4

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

@FU_TangClan

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list