My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.