How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey
You Might Also Like
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list