Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag full of skittles
What you read about me in the newspaper today is true: I am selling my couch.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.